Living the game

I can honestly say that I've been able to hear God's voice more clearly. It's so awesome! Every day I pray that he sanctify my ears (spiritual ears) so that I can hear his voice and discern it from the noise of this world. In a relationship, when you spend time with somebody you get to know them better. You understand how they think, how they communicate, how they interact. It's the same way with God. The more time you spend with Him, the more you get to know Him. Every morning and night, I try to spend quality uninterrupted time talking to God and being in the Word. I also try to maintain a constant connection with Him during the day, or "practicing His presence" as some would say. As a result, I've really been able to hear him better and it's mind blowing!

He's been putting it in my heart do a couple of things. I'll mention one of them. Ever since I was born again, I started wondering why God had put me in the city. What does he want me to do here? Well, he started answering this question about a month ago when I read an article about Christians living in urban areas. To summarize, it basically said that Christians are needed in urban areas more than ever because of (1) the high need of people of godly character in cities and (2) cultural trends tend to start in cities. Because cultural trends tend to start in cities, Christians in the city can influence those trends. I thought that was an interesting point. What God has been telling me, though, is more in line with point 1. He has really been tugging at my heart to get active in a ministry in the city. Honestly, I've been procrastinating. My rationale is that I'm already doing good things in the south bay for my church. But God is telling me "That's great that you're doing that but Reggie, I also put you in the city for a reason!" Well, God made it crystal clear yesterday that he wanted me to do something in the city. I was at one of my boys house in the south bay and while driving home on the freeway, I was praying to God (with eyes open of course) and asking Him to show me what He wanted me to do in the city. Right as I was praying that I passed a big billboard sign that read "The faithful don't watch the game. They live the game." It was a 49ers billboard and yes, "the faithful" was in bold. :) It was also God telling me in a modern context what is written in His word in James 2:14-26 which starts out:

What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? 15Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. 16If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? 17In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."

God was telling me to get off my butt and do something. So He's telling me to do something, but what? Well, he answered that earlier in the day. Before I went to my friend's house I decided to drive to Powell street to go shopping for a bit. Quick note: Never drive in that area around 5 during rush hour. Bad idea. I never made it to Powell cause it was taking too long but I did pass the 6th and Mission area (which is one of the most densely populated homeless areas in the city) and started seeing all these Christian centers I've never noticed before such as CityTeam Ministries and this Jesus Gospel center. After seeing that billboard at night, it all came together! I can just imagine God saying, "Yeah, he's a bit slow but he's learning." At least for now, God wants me to serve the poor, the homeless, the less priveleged. When God speaks, you have to be obedient. So I just inquired about opportunities to volunteer. One of the opportunities requires the spreading of God's word, leading Bible studies, in Hunter's Point which would be kinda scary. But if that's where God will lead me then I wouldn't be worried because God bears the consequences of your obedience. I'm actually pretty excited at the prospect of spreading God's love to people in my hood. As Jesus said:

"I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." Matthew 25:40

If you're reading this and you want to really hear God's voice and know it's from God, I encourage you to spend time with Him and in the Word. God speaks to people in different ways. Well, he speaks to everybody through the Word. To me he also speaks through circumstance and conviction in my heart. I know some people whom He speaks through dreams, visions, and even an audible voice. The more time you spend with Him and in His Word, the more you will understand how He speaks to you. Some people think it's crazy that people can hear from God. But when God created man, he intended for us to have constant fellowship with Him. He is always speaking to us, but sin clogs our ears so that it is hard to hear His voice. Pray to him to sanctify your ears and earnestly seek Him. When He speaks to you, you will know by the peace you have in your heart. You'll know that it's not just your inner voice, or coincidence, or whatever. It really is an amazing thing that I never thought I'd be able to experience.

"Take My Blues Away"

A year ago, if someone would have said to me that I'd be writing Christian songs, I'd probably respond, "You crazy son!" and then slap him with a piece of roast beef and squirt him with worchestershire sauce. But today, it's a completely different story. I'm a musician. I play guitar and I enjoy singing. But an area I haven't delved too deeply into is songwriting. I haven't written many songs for myself in my life. It's hard for me to write songs because when I write, it has to be something I'm passionate about. Honestly, there hasn't really been a lot of things in life that I've been passionate about. I mean, I was passionate about kung-fu for 15 years but somebody already wrote "Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting."

Today, it's completely different. My passion lies in my love for the Lord. I have so much love for the Lord that I want to use everything that He has given me to glorify Him - that includes my talent. When I play guitar, I play for Him. When I sing, I sing for Him. When I write, I write for Him. I want to be a good steward of what He has given me and do everything, first and foremost, for Him. There are a lot of Christians who use their creative gifts for God and I've seen so many amazing ways in which God has used them to glorify Him and advance His kingdom. I want God to use me to advance His kingdom. I want to start writing more songs for Him. If you've known me for a while, you know how much of a transformation this is for me. I mean you're lookin at a person who used to write songs about sexual fantasies. Some people might think that I've lost my edge, I've become boring. But I don't care what they think because (1) first and foremost I look at my life through God's eyes and not other people's, and (2) I've never been as fired up as I am now about music, and life in general, in my whole life.

So here's the first Christian song I ever wrote (first of many hopefully). It's about the trials I'm going through right now and about how God has been so good to me during this time. I even performed it at an open mic the day after I wrote it. I wrote it in about half an hour, which is the fastest I've ever written a song. It's pretty basic and it's sung over a basic blues, but it's completely from the heart.

"Take My Blues Away"

I've got this burden weighing on my mind
Can't seem to shake it's with me all the time
Can't eat, can't sleep
Oh I'd give anything to have some peace
Oh Lord I'm in pain
Please take my blues away

The enemie's attacking visciously
Messin with my head tryin to deceive me
Fear and doubt rippin me apart
How much longer can I stand this broken heart
Oh Lord I can't take this
Please take my blues away

(solo)

(bridge)
This is what the Lord said to me...
My child, don't you know that I love you
But these trials are something you have to go through
I'm not going to harm you, I plan to prosper you
So keep your focus on me, cause I'll always be with you
The storm's almost over, through it all you'll persevere
So be not afraid, you'll always find me near

So I picked myself up with a new hope in my heart
With faith and trust in the Lord, even though times are still hard
Cause I know, what lies ahead are brighter days
So Lord I want to thank you
For taking my blues away

Quietness and trust

It is one thing to hear God's voice. It is another thing to be obedient to it. I hear God's voice. He is telling me to wait, be patient, and trust in Him. I constantly pray for strength to be obedient to it. Obedience not because I expect a reward from it (although I can't help but at least hope for one), but obedience primarily because the Lord is worthy of my obedience. As a devout Christian, my primary motivation for serving Christ is that He is worthy of my love and obedience. So right now, I have to be obedient to Him telling me to be quiet and trust in Him.

"In repentence and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength" Isaiah 30:15

Yes, I do miss her terribly. I always wonder how she is doing and if she is ok. Yes, hearing her voice is just a phone call away. But I need to not only respect her need for time and space, but obey God when He tells me to wait.

Anger, Love, and the Holy Spirit

I've been feeling really angry lately. Angry at L. How can she do this to me? How can she be so misleading? Why is she putting me through this after so much love I've shown her? How could she be so blind as to how happy we were and could be? Why can't she just suck it up and make a @#$!ing decision? Angry at other people involved in this situation. How can somebody be so selfish? Angry at myself. How could I fall in love with somebody so much and allow myself to be so hurt? Anger plagues me throughout the day. The enemy is trying to consume me with it. Why am I so angry? Rejection and betrayal are part of it. In the dictionary, rejection is defined as "dismissed as inadequate, inappropriate, or not to one's tastes." That's how I feel sometimes. It is a blow to my pride.

But you know what? The way I'm dealing with this is truly a testament to how the Holy Spirit is working within me because just seeing the way in which I am dealing with this, I know it isn't me. It's the HS working through me. First of all, anytime I start feeling angry, the HS allows me to quickly know that all of those questions above are false. I don't agree with everything she did but I know that L is not trying to mislead me. She didn't mean to do this. She loves me. I trust her. Secondly, instead of choosing to remain angry I choose to respond with love and humility. A year or two ago, I would have responded a lot differently. More than likely, I would have physically hurt a certain somebody (not L) as that is well within my capabilities. I might have yelled and screamed at her and ended up saying things I would regret. I probably would have done a multitude of other stupid things. The enemy tries to put these invalid questions in my head to make me forget the awesome person that L is. He is trying to make me lose sight of the wonderful person that I fell so in love with. Most of all, he is trying to make me forget that I have a God that loves me and is not trying to harm me. The devil knows that but he is trying to throw me off course.

So whenever I get angry and start thinking of all these questions, I choose to not let the enemy be victorious over me. I refuse to be blinded and lose sight of my deep love for L. I refuse to be be blinded and lose sight of God's great plans for me. I choose to be humble and submit to what my heavenly Father has in store for me. I choose to trust God.

Keep going, I am with you

Sometimes, when you are seeking God and waiting for your prayers to be answered, it seems like He is not there. C.S. Lewis wrote in "A Grief Observed," which contain his reflections during the time of his wife's death from cancer, "But go to Him when your need is desparate, when all other help is vain and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that silence." In the face of grief or adversity it is easy to think that God is not with you. But let me assure you, God is always present. He might not answer your prayers immediately and you might think that He is silent, but He is always there and He is always trying to speak to you. But you have to listen. That's why after many of Jesus' parables, He would say "He who has ears, let him hear."

During this time, God has not answered my prayers. He has, however, kept me going. Every single time when I felt like I was feeling like absolute crap and feelings of despair, hopelessness, etc. started to overcome me He has always nudged me and refreshed my hope. Last Monday, driving on a road called The Great Highway, was one of the times when God nudged me. I was feeling like absolute crap. But as I was driving I looked to my left and there, parallel to my car and going the same speed I was going, was a flock of birds shaped in a forward arrow. Now one thing about the Great Highway is that it is along a beach and it has lights every 100 yards or so. The lights are timed so that if you go the right speed you can always hit the greens without ever having to use your brakes. As the birds were flying next to me, I was going the perfect speed so that each light would turn from red to green when I was less than 10 feet away from it. I never slowed down. I took all of this as a sign from God telling me to keep moving forward. I will be here right next to you. And even when it looks like you can't go on (the light is red), do not worry because I will make a way. Thank you God for being here with me and consistently turning my reds into greens in your perfect timing.

Take 6

I just came back from seeing Take 6 at Yoshi's. What an awesome show! I never thought I'd see Take 6, my favorite singing group in the world, perform live. And what a tremendous blessing to be able to see them at an intimate venue. I tell you it was straight church up in there! The show was a great mix of them sharing their love for the Lord through their music and conversation in between songs. It is so inspiring to see people who love God so much and how God uses them and the talent that He gives them to advance His kingdom. I can't even imagine how many people they have brought to the Lord through their music. I'm sure a lot of the people in the audience today weren't saved and if anything, I pray that today's show planted the seed in them. What a way to evangelize huh?

On a personal level, it is no coincidence that I was led there today along with my brother and sister in Christ. A lot of their songs were about loving the Lord and staying strong through trials. The songs really ministered to me, especially because music in general draws me closer to God. And how appropriate for God to use not only music, but acapella music, the art that I first fell in love with when I got serious about music, to minister to me in this time in my life. In addition, seeing them use their musical gifts from God inspired me even more to use my musical gifts from God. God has been pushing me to write songs, to increase my skills as a guitarist and as a musician in general. The show has inspired me to be a good steward of the talents that God has given me and use them for His glory.

After the show they came out and started talking to people and signed autographs. It is so apparent that they are children of God by the love and humility they were showing to everybody. Tired as they were (they've been doing two shows a night since Thursday and today, they had an additional show at 5:00pm in Sacramento), they were still genuinely friendly and loving to everybody, including me who got their autographs on their newest album and briefly talked to them and thanked them for sharing their music and ministering to me.

God is good all the time!

Growth Group

During this time of trial, I figure I have two choices. (1) sit around, sulk and have a pity party for myself, or (2) turn it around and use it as an opportunity to get closer to God. I choose 2. One way in which I am seeking to get closer to the Lord is through fellowship. Specifically, at this stage in my walk, I am seeking fellowship with those who are farther along in their walk and more spirutually mature. Not to say that fellowship with my peers isn't valuable. That has been extremely valuable and such a blessing during this time. I continue to seek that but what I currently lack is fellowship of more spiritually mature Christians. Fellowship is so important during this time too because when isolated, you are the most vulnerable to attacks from the enemy.

"Be self controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." 1 Peter 5:8-9.

Like a lion who tries to isolate its prey by separating it from the pack, the devil wants you to be isolated so he can have his way with you. And let me tell you, living alone, I spend a lot of time in isolation and it is true - the devil attacks hardest when you are by yourself. It is so important to be in fellowship with others because as the verse said, others are going through the same kind of sufferings. The walk of a Christian isn't meant to be walked alone. God puts people in our lives so that we can encourage and sharpen one another.

On friday evening, I found an awesome growth groups in the city. I had been debating whether to go to this group in the city or to my church where they were having their weekly young adult service. I chose the former, hoping to meet the kind of people I needed to meet. And that I did. It was no coincidence that I ended up in this particular group. Filled with people who are older and more spirutually mature in their walk, it was exactly what I needed. Everybody was so loving and just awesome to me, especially Suzanna and Justin, the couple that hosted and led the group. It was so encouraging to hear everybody's testimonies and to hear how God has worked in their lives. One woman was healed from stage 4 cancer. Another man has been totally transformed from a man who was instensely addicted to crystal meth and who abused his wife (they're still together. she was there with their little son) to a God loving, family loving, man who after one day of powerful prayer and being filled with the Holy Spirit, has not touched the drug ever since. It was so awesome to be in a room full of God loving people just immersed in the Word. I shared my testimony and felt led to share my trials with the group. They all prayed for me. We all prayed for each other. After everybody left, I ended up staying and talked to Suzanna and Justin for a few more hours. One of the many spiritual gifts that God gave Suzanna was the gift of wisdom. I felt led to share with them more details about my situation and as I was talking, Suzanna was able to spit out the exact verses that I needed to hear. It's also inspiring to see how God is using the gift that He gave her to advance His kingdom. Never having painted in her life, her husband one day bought her a set just to play with and after dabbling with it she quickly became skilled. So skilled that their is a high demand for her work. She now has shows and even had a piece in city hall. She paints chinese paintings of flowers and other scenery (sorry, there's probably a term for it but I don't know it). It was inspiring to hear her stories of how God has used her artwork as a vehicle to draw people to Christ. We ended the night in another prayer. They laid their hands over me and prayed a long prayer asking God to help me through this trial and also asking God to reveal to me my spiritual gifts, which I haven't found yet, so that I may use them for His glory. I ended up leaving at 12:30am! But what an awesome night. Praise God!

The Ultimate Burden

During dinner with Abe, we had been talking about how Jesus died on the cross for us. Growing up Catholic, I had always believed this. It is the fundamental belief on which Christianity is built upon. Part of the Nicene creed says

"We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten, not made, one in Being with the Father. Through him all things were made. For us and for our salvation he came down from heaven: by the power of the Holy Spirit he became man. For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate; he suffered and died and was buried."

Growing up, I had always appreciated Jesus for doing this for us. For dying on the cross so that all sins may be forgiven. But just being "appreciative" of what Jesus did for us is almost an insult to Him. When I truly began my walk with God (which was less than a year ago) and devoted myself completely to Him, I developed a personal relationship with Jesus. To me, Jesus did not just suffer and die for us so that all of our sins can be forgiven. He sufferred and died for me so that my sins can be forgiven. For this I can now say that I love Him, that I am in love with Him.

Talking about His suffering and really thinking about what He went through made me fall in love with Him even more. Being crucified is in and of itself a very unpleasant way to go out. But Jesus wasn't just crucified. Before His crucifixion, He suffered so much. The weight of all past and future sins for all of man was on Him. Think about that. The weight of eternal sin was on Him! Now one great thing about God is that He will never give us more than what we can bear. But Jesus was essentially God (the Son) so God (the Father) pushed Him to His maximum and gave Him the burden of eternal sin. In the garden of Gethsemene, right before he was to be captured and taken away, He was in so much pain. So much pain in fact that he suffered from a rare medical condition called hemohedrosis that causes the sweating of blood. This condition is caused from mental anguish and high anxiety. Can you imagine being so distraught that you sweat blood? To add to the pain, He was mocked and beat by the very people He loved so much and was dying for. Can you imagine your own family beating you, mocking you, and putting you to death? When He was crucififed He yelled out to God, "why have you forsaken me?" As He was nailed to the cross and dying, His own Father turned His back on Him.

Really thinking about Jesus' suffering for my sins just deepens my love for him even more. Really thinking about what He did for me, for us, makes it that much easier to do what Jesus said is the greatest commandment of all. "Love the Lord with all of your heart, mind, and soul." Matthew 22:37

Trust in God

There are so many examples of people in the Bible who have demonstrated such great faith and trust in the Lord. During this time of trial, it is so encouraging to just soak in the Word and read about those people. I had dinner with one of my good brothers in Christ a few days ago, Abe, and he compared my situation with the famous story of Abraham and his son Isaac. Talk about great trust in God. When you trust God fully, you are obedient to Him. He tells you something, you do it. No questions asked. When God told Abraham to go up to Moriah and sacrifice Isaac, he was so obedient that he woke up early the next morning and began his journey with Isaac in preparation to kill him. A lot of people focus mainly on Abraham and his trust and obedience to the Lord, but I think Isaac deserves a lot of credit too, being that he trusted his dad so much that he was willing to die. When Abraham finally reached his destination, he tied up Isaac and killed him. He didn't literally kill him because at the last moment, an angel told Abraham to stop. But Abraham's arm was up with knife in his hand ready to strike and at that moment, Isaac was already dead in his heart.

Sometimes, God calls us to trust Him so much that we would sacrifice those whom we hold closest to our hearts for Him. L is not my child, she is not my wife. She is somebody that I've known only a short period of time but nevertheless she is somebody who I am so deeply in love with. Even though I have so much hope for our future and so much love for her, perhaps God is telling me to trust Him so much that He wants me to get to the point where my arm is up with knife in my hand ready to kill all my dreams with her. When God tests us, He truly tests us. In Abraham's case, he didn't just say kill here. God made him go to a far away location where the sacrifice was to happen. This means that he had a lot of time during his journey to think about it and turn back. Can you imagine the agony he was feeling during that journey? I trust God. I have come to the point where I've accepted my situation. But I think I am still walking in my journey, with pain and agony in my heart, and have yet come to the point where I can pull my knife out and kill my dreams with L. It is at that point where I can truly say that I trust God 100% with all my heart. Perhaps, He is waiting for me to get to that point before He delivers me. We shall see...

Consider it pure joy...

It is with great sadness, excitement, and joy that I write this first post in what I hope to be a series of posts chronicling my journey with Christ. What? Sadness and excitement and joy? If somebody said that to me a year ago I would have thought they lost it, but the ways in which I have been transformed this past year has truly been a testament to the abundant love, grace, and mercy of God.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12

As I write this I am going through one of the most difficult trials I've ever had to face. I just got out of an intense relationship with somebody that I wanted to, and still want to, spend the rest of my life with. I could write forever about this but to make a long story short, we had such an incredible relationship filled with so much love and humility. I have never ever loved a girl more in my life and I have never fully experienced this kind of love that is consistent with the love described in Scripture - patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not proud, not rude, not self seeking, not easily angered. You know how sometimes you see two people and you just know that they were meant for each other? That's what I think about when I think about us. The best part of our relationship is that we both love God more than each other or anything in the world. When two people in a relationship puts God above all else, it truly is an amazing thing. Unfortunately, God took her away from me. As Job said, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away." Although my loss pales in comparison with that of Job's, I feel similar to how he felt when he had everything but his life taken away from him. This loss has been such an intense struggle for me. I get consumed by it during the days. I can't sleep at night. I wake up at 4 or 5am sometimes, not able to fall back asleep. It's been torture.

Through this trial, however, God is doing an amazing work inside of me. Because I chose to draw closer to Him through this experience instead of distance myself from Him, I have never felt so close to God and so in love with Him in my whole life. In that sense, I consider this difficult time pure joy. Through this trial, God is testing me. When He speaks to me, He is telling me to trust Him. To let give all of this burden to Him. L once told me to receive with open palms but to also give with open palms. I still feel like my palms aren't completely open in giving this burden to him. I am still feebly holding on to some parts of it with my weak fingers. But He is telling me to have faith and trust in Him because as His child, He loves with a love greater than any of us could ever know from another human and He has plans to prosper me, to give me hope, and a future.

So I choose to continue to praise God and worship Him through this. I choose to not give in to satan's evil ways and to not give in to the barrage of attacks that he puts me through. I thank God for allowing me to go through this. I thank Him for sharpening me, for shaping me more and more into His image. I thank Him for moments of peace and for the strength to persevere. I thank Him for the nudges that He gives me to move forward in those times when I feel like I am about to break and can't take any more. I thank Him that I am learning to trust Him and to rely on Him. I have hope that L and I will end up together, but even if she never comes back to me, I trust that it is because He has something even better in store for me, even though I might not see it right now. Amidst the sadness and heartbreak, I am joyful and excited about what God has in store for me. Praise God!