Consider it pure joy...

It is with great sadness, excitement, and joy that I write this first post in what I hope to be a series of posts chronicling my journey with Christ. What? Sadness and excitement and joy? If somebody said that to me a year ago I would have thought they lost it, but the ways in which I have been transformed this past year has truly been a testament to the abundant love, grace, and mercy of God.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12

As I write this I am going through one of the most difficult trials I've ever had to face. I just got out of an intense relationship with somebody that I wanted to, and still want to, spend the rest of my life with. I could write forever about this but to make a long story short, we had such an incredible relationship filled with so much love and humility. I have never ever loved a girl more in my life and I have never fully experienced this kind of love that is consistent with the love described in Scripture - patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not proud, not rude, not self seeking, not easily angered. You know how sometimes you see two people and you just know that they were meant for each other? That's what I think about when I think about us. The best part of our relationship is that we both love God more than each other or anything in the world. When two people in a relationship puts God above all else, it truly is an amazing thing. Unfortunately, God took her away from me. As Job said, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away." Although my loss pales in comparison with that of Job's, I feel similar to how he felt when he had everything but his life taken away from him. This loss has been such an intense struggle for me. I get consumed by it during the days. I can't sleep at night. I wake up at 4 or 5am sometimes, not able to fall back asleep. It's been torture.

Through this trial, however, God is doing an amazing work inside of me. Because I chose to draw closer to Him through this experience instead of distance myself from Him, I have never felt so close to God and so in love with Him in my whole life. In that sense, I consider this difficult time pure joy. Through this trial, God is testing me. When He speaks to me, He is telling me to trust Him. To let give all of this burden to Him. L once told me to receive with open palms but to also give with open palms. I still feel like my palms aren't completely open in giving this burden to him. I am still feebly holding on to some parts of it with my weak fingers. But He is telling me to have faith and trust in Him because as His child, He loves with a love greater than any of us could ever know from another human and He has plans to prosper me, to give me hope, and a future.

So I choose to continue to praise God and worship Him through this. I choose to not give in to satan's evil ways and to not give in to the barrage of attacks that he puts me through. I thank God for allowing me to go through this. I thank Him for sharpening me, for shaping me more and more into His image. I thank Him for moments of peace and for the strength to persevere. I thank Him for the nudges that He gives me to move forward in those times when I feel like I am about to break and can't take any more. I thank Him that I am learning to trust Him and to rely on Him. I have hope that L and I will end up together, but even if she never comes back to me, I trust that it is because He has something even better in store for me, even though I might not see it right now. Amidst the sadness and heartbreak, I am joyful and excited about what God has in store for me. Praise God!